A Realization

If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that I have been struggling these past couple weeks. Your prayers have been much appreciated. God is at work. Last week a teacher of mine from middle school (who reads my blog) shared a verse with me. She began to explain that she was walking to her office to e-mail me when a mom stopped her and shared a verse with her. My teacher thought it was random, but she went with it :-) I beleive the Lord used that to encourage me.

She shared Exodus 14:14 with me.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.''

He’s much stronger than this restlessness I have been dealing with. I can't fight on my own, I have to be still. I am nothing without Him. He's much bigger than I am. I have to wait on the Lord, He will fight the fight for me. He will help me overcome.

I had lunch with a friend Sunday after church who encouraged me to write down the thoughts that have been bogging my mind down over the weeks. So, Monday at work I started jotting down these thoughts that have captivated my mind. As the work day came to a close, I was looking over my list. I noticed that every single thought had something in common with the others.

A time when others had taken advantage of me.

I started praying and asking the Lord to reveal to me why this issue is taking over my mind and bringing me down.

In His timing and as He’s always faithful to His word, He began to show me how my life is being affected.

Oh Father, you’re so faithful, thank you…

The Lord brought up an instance a couple weeks ago…
I was at Sonic with a couple friends one night getting some ice cream. One friend offered to pay for mine; I told her it’s okay, that I would get mine, not to worry about it.

My other friend turned around and said,

“It’s funny Christina, you love to bless people, but you won’t let them bless you.”

I laughed it off, and we went on.

Well, I thought I brushed it off, but ever since, that conversation has been playing over in my head.

Is this true, Lord? Why won’t I let people bless me?

Take a look around, my daughter, take notice of this, you tell me…

I started to realize that I don’t let people bless me and I have realized why. I love helping and serving people. I hurt when others hurt, I’m happy when their happy, I relate to them. I put my heart out there because I want to make a difference. I put my all into my relationships. Once people take hold of that, they can tend to take advantage of that. So, when people want to bless me, I fear that if I let them, I’m going to take advantage of that, and in return I’ll hurt them, just as I have been hurt. I don’t want that, I know how it feels.

It stings.

I’m not having a pity party, I don’t want that. This is reality. Something I have learned, something the Lord is revealing to me. He’s showing me how I have to grow and change because of this. I have to be stronger, not be afraid to be confrontational (I tend to say “oh it’s okay” even when it’s not), I have to be open, talk about my feelings/what’s bothering me, be bold.

It’s only because of my God that I have been able to realize this. Only because of Him that I can be made stronger. I believe He is preparing me for something bigger. Through this He is showing me my gifts; what I’m good at, my strengths and weaknesses. I believe He is getting ready to do something big with me. I look forward to that. We have to pay attention to Him. Listen to Him.

He speaks.

What is a relationship without talking and constructive criticism? I used to have a hard time with that, but I want to know the areas in my life that need fixing. If not, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and I could be making things worse for myself and others. I want to be excellent at the things I do. I want my relationships to be honoring and glorifying to my Father. And my relationship with Him to be so intimate. That’s what He longs for. He wants us to run to Him, turn our eyes to Him, and fix ourselves on what He has in store for us.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see how His plan continues to unfold in my life. It’s so exciting to me!

Because of that, I’m thankful for being able to accept my faults and long to turn them into good so I can flourish, be a better servant, and daughter to my Father.