Restless

Christina is …restless...

It’s been awhile since I have posted, I think I was waiting for the perfect post and resolution to my problems to well up inside me.

Sorry, you’re out of luck this time.

See, I always think I have to have this perfect masterpiece of a post for you guys to read. Ok, not saying my posts are masterpieces, but I think you understand.
This time I’m just going to get down to the ‘nitty gritty’.

This last week was, well, a restless week. I found myself battling myself all week. I couldn’t sit still, my mind was racing, and I felt like I had to get out – go somewhere. My emotions were running high, I could cry at the drop of a dime. I was being hard on myself. Stressing about decisions I needed to make. I was frustrated with people. I missed my chiropractor appointments because I couldn’t make myself go. I wasn’t motivated. Some days I didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t get much sleep. Stayed up till the wee hours of the morning thinking, writing, wondering…

I would try to change my thinking, cheer myself up, but I couldn’t, something was holding me back, some moments I felt like I couldn’t move… so I would just sit.

I found out during the middle of the week that I had some family coming in town and I realized it was a long weekend. It was what I needed, my chance to get away. I couldn’t wait to leave, I wanted to leave right then. I needed to be around family. I needed some encouragement.
So, I spent the weekend with family, I slept a lot (since I hadn’t all week) and tried to relax.

It was good.

I was distracted.

Then I got back…I made myself go back to the chiropractor today and right when I walked in one of the girls that works there… ran up and hugged me, asked if I was okay, and said she had missed me, that it had felt like forever.

Wow. I was taken back.

I told her I was fine, just a bad week and that it was great to see her too!

I proceeded to do my exercises…
Then time came to be adjusted and the Dr. walked in…

“It’s good to see you, Christina,”

“Good to see you too” I replied….

“When was the last time I saw you, it’s been awhile…”

Great, he’s going to lecture me on not being a committed patient… I could feel it coming… So I went on…

“I know, I’m sorry, I had a rough week and couldn’t make it”

At this point he continued to adjust my back, twist my neck till I thought it was going to come off…

snap… crackle… pop….

Adjustment done.

Dr. Joshua sat down next to me, looked me in the eyes, and said,

“Are you sure everything is okay? Is there anything I can do? Anything I can help with? Just let me know…”

I thanked him, assured him I was fine and everything would be okay. (while breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t lecture me)
Now, you may be thinking, oh that’s nice… but this is unusual… why? Because he is not a very personable person. He’s in and out. I had just been telling someone that a couple days prior. So, for him to sit down and make sure I knew he cared, meant a lot to me. I appreciate things like that.

I know you’re also probably thinking, why did you tell them you were fine when you really aren’t?

Very good question.

That’s something I struggle with sometimes, other times I’m good at expressing myself. But there are times that I feel like I’m just bothering people or complaining. So, instead of talking about it I try to deal with it on my own… or I let it fester inside me. This time I didn’t say anything because I really didn’t know what was going on with me. I just knew how I felt.
Another reason for blogging, it’s like therapy to me. It lets me get out my thoughts and express myself in a way that I normally wouldn’t.

You’ve got to give it to God, Christina… I tried telling myself that many times last week…

But I found myself coming up with excuses and thinking that since I didn’t know what was going on, He wouldn’t.
Our Savior is much bigger than that. He knows every hair on our heads; He knew us and formed us before we were born. He knows our every thought, He understands us.

(Now if I could only understand myself)

Help me, Jesus, I need you. Turn my eyes to you, only you can turn things into good. Give me understanding, guidance. Give me strength.