Communication

I'm just going to come out and say this.

I've been thinking alot about things, as I usually do. I've been reading about the human mind, how it works, why we think the way we do, the way we communicate, how to build relationships. I love to watch people, I recently got an email from a friend who stated that I "size people up"... I don't totally agree with that. I do care about people, people I don't even know. I'll sit in the mall and watch people. Yes, I'm that person. I wonder how they are, where they came from, what their thinking about, if they're struggling, where they are in life, what they're happy about, etc. Most people try to hide the way they feel. Lots of times, it's easy for me to see that. It's easy to see in the way they interact, how they're feeling. Sometimes people don't show emotion, but that's just another sign of how they're feeling.

Be observant with others. Be intentional, if you really care. Consider others before yourself. Be real. Ask questions.

Why else was communication invented? We aren't supposed to sit in silence, look at each other, assume this or that, and go on with life. But why do we do that? We don't like the real stuff. Unfortunately, we like the artificial facts. Apparently they're more appealing to our tastebuds than genuineness. That's why americans are fat. We don't like to break it down, get down to what's good for us, what we really need, what's going on. We like the candy coated version, which is only doing us more harm in the end.

I was recently reading a book that quoted Shakespeare,

"All the worlds a stage and all the people are merely players."

To identify with people, we must consider the stage each of us is performing on.

We must be considerate, we must communicate to one another. We tend to think everyones at the same point in life as we are. Whether it's good or bad. We like to think we're all at the same level. Wrong, again. You can't put people on the same level as yourself. We all require different things. We can't relate to each other with that kind of thinking. That's why we really have to get to know each other. See where we're coming from. Let people know you care about them. Be verbal with them. Verbal? Yes, that's called communication. Don't be scared, it really is a good thing. If you really care about someone and want a real friendship/relationship, ask questions. Not just surface. Dive deeper. Go to the place where you want to take it.

Is that why most relationships are surfacey? Because we really don't want to take it further? Even though we like to think otherwise.

Hmm. Interesting.
Think about it.

Relationships shouldn't be a chore, but they do require work.

A Gift

I've been given this gift, it didn't come in shiny paper or with a big, huge bow. I found it hidden down deep, I searched. I've seen what it can do, I've heard what it can do, now I have to find out for myself how and to what extent I can use it. Sometimes I think I need to wear a sign, "Caution"..."Handle with Care"..."Fragile". I'd wear the sign not only for other people, but for myself too. I tend to get caught up in things and take on the emotions of others. I have to remind myself to take it easy. I always want to take on others burdens and fix them for myself.

Father, I can't do this without you, give me strength and guidance.

With this gift, people think, Oh, she's trying too hard, she's fake, she wants something in return. I'm not looking for a gold star. I'm not keeping track. I don't need the praise. I see potential. I see the need. I see the heart of the matter. I see what I want to do. I do what I think I should. I don't do it for myself. I don't need a pat on the back. Life doesn't give rewards, stars, or cards. I'm not one that wants the spotlight. I don't need the attention. But thank you.

I'm a daughter of my Father who longs to please Him with what He's given her. He's given me so much, that I can only try and give back to Him. I watch the people around me... they watch me, try to analyze, they assume, they have their own opinions. I see it. I feel it. I know they judge me. Or am I judging them for thinking their judging me? I don't know. But I just know how my heart feels.

I ask Him,

Father, why do they judge me? Why do they assume? Can't they see I long to please you? Can't they see how I want to do what you've told me to do?

He gently replies,

Sweet daughter, I see what you're doing. Shouldn't that be what you're thinking about? I see your heart. You will be rewarded.

Oh Jesus, yes, that's all I long for. I won't be worried about them. Have your way, Lord. I know you see the heart of what I'm doing.

Thank you for giving me this gift. This gift is the most precious to me. Unlike anything I've ever received. I promise to cherish it, to take care of it, and use it for Your glory. And Yours alone. I can't take credit, I don't want to. I can only do the best I can, to give back to you, what you've given to me.

Sweet Savior, my heart longs for people. I want them to see you through me. I pray that they would also have a heart to serve.

I am your servant. I am your daughter. I am confident in that. I am a child of God. How could I not serve you? You've given me so much. You're my Provider. Thank you. Just as I pray every day, that you'd be honored and glorified in my actions and words. Be in my midst. I know you're there. I feel you. Thank you. That's all I long to be. I won't listen to the lies. I want you above all else. More than my closest relationships. You are my ultimate love.

I can't be all they want me to be. I can't fulfill those voids and insecurities they want me to. Give them hearts to seek you. Mend their brokeness. I pray I can be of help though... there goes that gift again. It's my heart. It will be with me forever. Only you can do the healing. You are the Ultimate Healer. Not just in sickness. You've healed me. You've restored me. And that's not where it stops. You're still at work in me. I strive to continue to draw in closer.

Thank you for trusting me with this gift. For believing in me to be responsible with it. Help me to use it in the right ways and at the right times. I pray that I would be able to polish this jewel, so that it will shine bright, that others would be able to see what you've done in me, so that in return they would long to find their gifts and put them to use. I know this is not the only gift you have given me and you are still revealing all of them to me. So, I thank you. Continue to show yourself.

Walk beside me, Lord.

Guide me.

A Blessing (in the form of a book)

Approaching a year ago, I was given a book from my old boss. He gave me this book to read while I was having surgery... or well... recovering from it. I tossed the book aside and did not read it, plus my mother took it and started reading it :-) When I went home last, I found the book and decided I was going to start reading.

I'm so glad I did.

What book you ask?

The Shack by William P. Young

Many of you have probably heard of it, read of it, or have it and tossed it aside like me. Pick it up and start reading... Now!

I was sitting at Starbucks earlier this week and I had 5 people come up to me and talk to me about this book. I did not know how well-known this book was until that night. I couldn't believe it.

The man sitting next to me peered over the top of the newspaper he was reading and said,

Wow, you sure are getting alot of attention with that book, What is it?

So, I got the chance to tell him about it and encouraged him to pick up a copy. I think about it now and I should have just given him my copy! Hopefully he took my expert advice ;-)

I wondered why my old boss gave me The Shack, but I now know why. Struggling with surgery, struggling with living in pain, with why I have back problems... this book helps answer those "Why God" questions. It has stirred up more questions in my mind, touched my heart, given me a craving for the presence of my Father, and has given me a whole new way to picture Him. I've laughed, I've cried, and questioned my own relationship with the Lord.

While reading this book, I've marked many pages to go back and read when I'm done. I think I might just read the whole thing again! It is very unique and interesting.

I recommed this book, once you've read it, let me know what you think!

Visit the website at- www.TheShackBook.com

Hope all is well with you guys, it's been a while since I've blogged. You'd think with no job, I would have more time on my hands! :-)

Humbled

As I am typing this, I am comfortably sitting in my parent's home in Chattanooga. I decided I needed to take a mini-vacation and visit home. I haven't been here since June sometime. It's been a while. This was a much needed retreat.

I have not been sleeping, been anxious, and my mind has been constantly running. You would think it'd be worn out, but no. I wish it would take a vacation! :-)

I arrived here yesterday late-afternoon. It wasn't planned, it was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. I was sitting at Panera about to work on some stuff that needed to be done, when I reached the end and broke down, yes in Panera. Things just began to pile up and I guess that was the straw that broke the camels back.

I called my dad, quickly ran home, packed some things and got on the road. As I started my trip to Chattanooga, I cried out to the Lord. I was mad, I was questioning Him, I was doubting, I didn't understand.

'Why all this restlessness again, God?"
'Don't you care?'
'Do you hear me God?'
'Help me, Jesus!'

I found myself wanting to find ways to be mad at God. Every single negative thought I had, the enemy took it and used it to his advantage.

At one point I thought,

"Well, maybe I just care too much about everything, maybe I should just stop being so nice and stop trying so hard"

right then the Enemy said,

"Yes, you're right, you care too much, you're God doesn't care, no one does. Look, He hasn't healed you, He hasn't provided you with a job yet, your friends and others take advantage of you, don't you see that? No one cares, Christina"

I questioned if this was true, and the Enemy was quick to say,

"Of course it is, don't you see how you're letting everyone down because of all this? You can't do anything right!"

I began to sob even more while driving. I started to believe these lies, I turned myself off and didn't let the Lord get a word in. I wanted so badly to just believe the Enemy. Then all kinds of thoughts were flying in and out of my head, I can't even remember them all, but my mind was racing. I felt sick, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. You know that deep hurt in the pit of your stomach? It was aching. I was hurting.

I finally calmed down about 45 minutes before getting home. I made myself occupied by listening to music, I didn't want to talk or listen to the Lord. Little did I know, the Lord was working on me. He already had a plan forming...

When I arrived home, mom was cooking dinner, dad was watching TV, and my brother was not home yet. I brought my things inside, hugged my parents and sat down. I already felt peace by being home.

Mom came in the living room and told me she was having a friend and her 2 little girls stay with us. I was curious, and she went on to say, "It's a bad situation."

I immediately felt the Lord humbling me. I wanted to break down again, but I didn't let myself.

I began thinking,

"Christina, you think everything is so bad for you, look around at others. You're not so bad off."

Mom went on to say that the husband of her friend is an alcoholic and abusive.

My heart sank.

The phone rang, and it was moms friend saying they would be here soon.

When they arrived, dinner was ready, so we were all introduced and sat down for dinner together. As I sat at the dinner table, we chatted, got to know each other, and I watched the girls(the oldest is in 6th grade and the youngest is just 2 years old). As I observed, my heart became so heavy. I started to see how they were already affected and how they would be affected by all this in their future.

After dinner, they left to go to church, so I sat and talked with my mom about everything going on in my life. We had a good talk and by that time, our friends were back from church. The girls attached themselves to me, so we played, talked, took pictures, played a game and had some fun before it was time for them to go to bed. It was such a blessing to me. What broke my heart was after the youngest went to bed, me and the oldest sat and played some more and talked. When it was time for her to go to bed, she hugged me and didn't want to go to bed. She had a hard time leaving the room, and I wanted to badly to keep her with me, embrace her and love on her. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I told her goodnight and that I would see her soon.

I sat in the living room and thought for awhile before heading to bed myself.

The Lord spoke to me and told me,

'Daughter, I care for you, don't you see that? Look around you, you were able to run to your parents in your distress and they embraced you and took you in. They welcomed you. They love you. I love you, Daughter. My child, the new friends you have met tonight, aren't able to run to their home, their trying to find safety. Show them My love. Love on them, pray for them. Daughter, don't forget that I am your ultimate parent, run to me, and I will hold you. My love is unconditional. I will always be here for you.'

The perfect reminder.

I was able to find refuge in my parents and I am so thankful for that. No matter the circumstances they will always welcome me and love me.

I was doing my quiet time this morning and was reminded that the Lord is constant. He does not change. He will never change. He loves us no matter what happens. He will always be there. He is my rock and me refuge. He is my strength and my source of peace. I must seek Him. and I pray that mom's friend will run to Him in this time. He will take care of them and I must trust in my God for their protection.

'Guide them Father. Place a hedge of protection around them, keep them safe. Provide Lord. Give them strength and courage to make the right decisions. Direct them. Let them feel your overwhelming love, Lord Jesus. I entrust them to you.'

Amen.

Thank you for humbling me, Father.
I know I am not as bad off as I seem at times.
Thank you for reminding me that I must trust you and run to you.
I know you will get me through this time.
Thank you for a good nights rest last night.

Anticipating the Voice of God: Week One

Hope you're ready to dig, dive, induldge, throw yourself into Discerning the Voice of God with me. We are on week 4, but I am going to start from the beginning and share with you the lessons, my notes(which is almost all that she said, ha), and my thoughts.

I'm so excited to share this with you, but I will not be nearly as good as Priscilla Shirer is. This has been a Bible study where I want to write down EVERYTHING she says! All the little nuggets she gives are right on and amazing. I encourage you to buy the book, or even get the videos! If you do, you'll understand what I mean. But for now on, you have me and mostly my illustrations, some hers. But I can't take credit.

Let's go from a personal realtionship with our Savior to an intimate relationship.

Turn off all the voices that are surrounding you, whether it's peers, yourself, TV, etc... and let's focus on listening to the voice of our Sweet Savior.

In Matthew 17:1-13 the Lord took Peter, James, and John with him upon a mountain top where he transfigured before their eyes.

Can you imagine that?

Verse 2 tells us that His face shone like the sun, and his clothes just as white as light. On down, Peter begins talking to the Lord, and as he's talking, the Lord says, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!"

Our God speaks, we just have to tune our minds to actually listening to Him. He can and will speak to you. We must believe, do you believe that He will do what He has promised us? How personal is your relationship if you don't talk or can't hear Him? It's like any other relationship. It takes time. It takes communication and trust.

Think of your closest friends, you talk to them all the time, don't you? You call to see how they are, what they've been up to, how things are going, you want them to keep in contact. That's how God is. He calls on us, He wants us to answer. He wants to know how we are, what we've been up to, how things are going. He wants us to be honest with him. He longs for a deep, intimate relationship with us. It takes communication. If you lose communication, you lose contact.

Don't lose contact with Him.

Anticipate that He will speak. Expect that He will speak.

'My sheep hear My voice, I know them, and they follow Me.' -John 10:27

1) Jesus was clear to point out a relationship, naming us His sheep.

"My sheep"

We're apart of His flock. He is our shepherd. Just like a shepherd herding his sheep. They have a certain call for their sheep, a call for each individual one. They could call a certain way and that one sheep knows that their shepherd is calling it and wants it to come. Just like our Lord. He calls us each at different times and in different ways. We must listen to Him for instructions. God is our navigation system.

Anyone ever used navigation system? I have and I got lost. Why? Because I did not listen. I did not know how to use it. We must unclog our ears and be willing to listen for direction in life.

He tell us,

"Take a right, my child, keep going, you're doing good, quick left, you'll want to avoid the traffic (being confusion or nonsense) up ahead... when you reach the fork in the road, call on Me, and I'll lead you."

He will direct us and make our paths straight. Trust in Him.

Who do you belong to? Is He your Shepherd?

2) Jesus points out not only a relationship but a result of being His sheep.

"... hear My voice."

'The one who is from God hears God's words.' - John 8:47

Don't doubt what He can do. Don't doubt who He is.

We must expect that He'll speak to us, as I mentioned before.

We must want what He has personally for each of us. We are all different, and we each require different things.

He will prove to you that He has your best at heart and it will blow your mind. He speaks in diferent ways to all of us. We have to learn to know when He is speaking to us.

Take a radio for instance, you have to be where you want/can listen, you have to tune into the station you want to listen to, sometimes it's hard to hear through the static, so you have to search and find that special spot where the voice is so clear, so you can sit and listen. You soak in everything the persons saying.

That's how God is. We must want to listen. We have to be so in tune with Him so we can hear His voice in a clear and intimate way. When we do that, we can sit and soak up everything He's telling us.

3) Jesus points out a relationship, a result, and also a reason for being His sheep.

"I know my sheep."

Intimacy is the foundation for getting to know God.

He knows us, each and everyone of us. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
Isn't that crazy to think that out of ALL the people in this world, He knows each of us in such a different and loving way then He does the person sitting next to you... and He loves us all the same? I love thinking about that. Do I have that much love for Him? Do I want to know Him as much as He already knows me?

4) Jesus points out a relationship, a result, a reason, and also a reponse from His sheep.

"They follow me."

Don't doubt Him.

Trust Him.

Follow Him.

Know Him.

'I am the good shepherd. the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.' -John 10:11

'Now may the God of pease... the great Shepherd of the sheep - with the blood of the everlasting covenant, equip you with all that is good to do His will.' -Hebrews 13:20-21

Clear communication with God begins when I approach God and His Word with anticipation expecting Him to speak.

HE SPEAKS
'I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart; and I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me' -Habakkuk 2:1

HE ANSWERS
'Call to Me, and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.' -Jeremiah 33:3

HE HEARS US

'My God will certainly hear me.' -Micah 7:7

Be assured. A lot of times we doubt that He hears or that He will answer us. These verses are such a great reminder that He will speak, He will hear, and He will answer us.

Strengths Finder 2.0

I took my Strengths Finder test yesterday and thought I would share my results with you.

If you're wondering what a Strengths Finder test is... here goes...

"Rooted in more than 40 years of research, this assessment had helped millions discover their natural talents."

It was funny because all my friends have taken the test so they were trying to guess my strengths. The winner award goes to... drum roll please... Coo! She guessed at least 3 of my top 5. Way to go! :-)

Alright, here are my Top 5 Strengths:

1) Developer

2) Belief

3) Includer

4) Empathy

5) Positivity

Here is a description of each strength:

1) Developer - You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, neach individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth - a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of "flow" where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments - invisible to some - are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

2) Belief - If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics - both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. they give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. "I know where you stand," they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.

3) Includer - "Stretch the circle wider." This is the philosophy around which your orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawm only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgements. Judgements can hurt a person's feelings. Why do that if you don't have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Rach of us should be included. It is the least wer all deserve.

4) Empathy - You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feelings as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament - this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings - to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

5) Positivity - You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you light-hearted. Others just wish their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repitition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won't allow it. Somehow you can't quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one's senseonf humor.

Think these are a good fit for me?

Interested to find out what your strenghts are?

Check out Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath at your local bookstore!

Catch Up & A Gas Adventure

It's been a long time since I have posted, my apologies. Things have been crazy here on my end, but I have found time between meetings, work, and finding a job to update you guys. I have started many posts, but have not finished them, I have them saved to my computer. This post will probably be a hodge podge, so be prepared. :-)

For those of you who don't know, my last day of work was Friday, so this week is crunch time, trying to find a new job. I must say, I've enjoyed the little bit I have acutally been able to sleep in. Much needed. I am already to the point of boredom, so I need to find a job...ASAP! Please join me in prayer for a job that I will enjoy and will be a place where I can make a difference.
I am starting to realize that during this time, the Lord is really wanting me to be still and wait on Him. Sometimes I think,

but God, I'm hungry, poor, need gas. Lord, I need a job now!

He quietly reminds me,

Daughter, be patient. Trust me, I have your best at heart. I will take care of you.

For instance, last Friday, my last day of work... Nashville decided to run out of gas. Perfect, not! I was on E!

Just my luck, I thought.

I started my quest to find gas, surely somewhere HAD to have gas. One side of town to another, no gas to be found. By this time I'm stressing... badly... and my gas light is on. I decided I should try to make it home. Although, I figured if I ran out on the interstate TDOT would come to my rescue and fill my tank... then I started noticing all the cars on the side of the interstate, flashers flashing, not moving, no one in them. Guess TDOT realized people would try to take advantage of them...

Oops, sorry Lord for even thinking that.

I finally made it home and took a 2 hour nap... stress will wear you out!

I had been talking with my roommate, Coo, who was at work, and we decided that when she got home we would take her car out and try to find gas. We went to different places, called some people... no gas. Our friend Megan called me and said she got one of our Pastors Costco cards and that they had gas! Coo and I were on the opposite side of town and decided to book it to Bellevue.
Now, let me just tell you this... Coo is a very, how do I put this... safe driver... so you can only imagine our drive. Megan called back to tell us she was 10 cars away and that Costco will close at 7:30pm. I looked at the clock in the car and saw 7:00pm staring back at me.

"Step on it, Coo!" I exclaimed.

We realized we had to get to Bellevue, get a gas container for me, and get in line... all in 30 minutes! Megan called about every 5-10 minutes telling us she was 7 cars away, 5, 3, 2...which was helpful but stressed Coo and I out even more. Haha.

Now to set this up for you...
Coo is driving, I am in the passenger seat shouting directions, and we're both cracking up all at the same time.

"Step on it, Coo. You're going to have to go faster than that. Left lane, get on over. Watch out, car in the way. Over, get on over. Now. Come on. Speed up. We gotta get a gas container when we get off the exit. Go to the right. We can make it. Jesus, help us!"

repeat this for about 15 minutes. Haha.

By Megans last call, I was jumping out of the car, running in the gas station, buying a gas container, (the cashier was cracking up), running back to the car, and hopping inside.
Megan was pumping gas and called to tell me to just walk up to her car and fill my container.
Coo and I arrived at 7:25 and the line was so long. I tumbled out of the car (while Coo got in line to wait), casually walking through traffic, afraid people were going to jump me and start yelling at me, since they could clearly see what I was doing... Carrying a gas container. I sneak up to Megans car and we realized the container was only 1 gallon!! But whatever, I got my one gallon and Megan got a full tank. :-) Megan left and I got back in the car with Coo. She wanted to try and fill up since she had half a tank. We were one car away from filling up when they RAN OUT OF GAS!!!!

We laughed, left, and decided to eat.

Stress will:

1) wear you out

and

2) make you hungry! :-)

Anyway, so we gave up and headed home. We were getting off on our exit and noticed the Shell station, which was out of gas earlier in the day, was open and had gas! We got home, and I filled my hungry Mazda with it's single gallon of gas,

and I told Coo,

"I'm going for it. I'm going up to the gas station, I'll let you know how bad the line is"

I got in line, turned my car off to save my precious gallon of gas and inched my way to the gas pump. Start, stop, repeat for 30 minutes. Finally, I got to the gas pump and I was so excited. The lady across from me was cracking up. I hopped out of my car, fed my hungry car, did a little hop, skip and jump, and plopped down in my car and headed home... thanking the Lord the whole way. (Oh and Coo was able to get gas too!)
I got home around 12 o'clock and started getting ready for bed. I was pulling back my comforter and the Lord clearly spoke to me. I felt like He was standing right beside me. I had never heard Him so audibly.

He said,

See, my child. I will take care of you. I have your best at heart. Don't doubt me. Trust in me.

I stood straight up, and began to apologize to my Father...

I'm so sorry for doubting you. You are my provider. How could I doubt you? Thank you for providing tonight and taking care of us.

I was sharing that with my small group tonight and I was telling them that God is so much bigger than a small gas crisis. He can do whatever He choses to do. He made this world and every single detail, just as He did with us and we chose to doubt Him and lose trust in Him?

Crazy.

Our adventure last Friday was a reminder for me that He loves us and He's got us in the palm of His hand. We shouldn't be worried about anything.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. - Philippians 4:6

Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you. - 1Peter 5:7

**We started a Women's Fall Bible Study a few Monday's ago, and it is amazing! Be prepared to read my notes and learn about Discerning the Voice of God with me!***

A Realization

If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that I have been struggling these past couple weeks. Your prayers have been much appreciated. God is at work. Last week a teacher of mine from middle school (who reads my blog) shared a verse with me. She began to explain that she was walking to her office to e-mail me when a mom stopped her and shared a verse with her. My teacher thought it was random, but she went with it :-) I beleive the Lord used that to encourage me.

She shared Exodus 14:14 with me.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.''

He’s much stronger than this restlessness I have been dealing with. I can't fight on my own, I have to be still. I am nothing without Him. He's much bigger than I am. I have to wait on the Lord, He will fight the fight for me. He will help me overcome.

I had lunch with a friend Sunday after church who encouraged me to write down the thoughts that have been bogging my mind down over the weeks. So, Monday at work I started jotting down these thoughts that have captivated my mind. As the work day came to a close, I was looking over my list. I noticed that every single thought had something in common with the others.

A time when others had taken advantage of me.

I started praying and asking the Lord to reveal to me why this issue is taking over my mind and bringing me down.

In His timing and as He’s always faithful to His word, He began to show me how my life is being affected.

Oh Father, you’re so faithful, thank you…

The Lord brought up an instance a couple weeks ago…
I was at Sonic with a couple friends one night getting some ice cream. One friend offered to pay for mine; I told her it’s okay, that I would get mine, not to worry about it.

My other friend turned around and said,

“It’s funny Christina, you love to bless people, but you won’t let them bless you.”

I laughed it off, and we went on.

Well, I thought I brushed it off, but ever since, that conversation has been playing over in my head.

Is this true, Lord? Why won’t I let people bless me?

Take a look around, my daughter, take notice of this, you tell me…

I started to realize that I don’t let people bless me and I have realized why. I love helping and serving people. I hurt when others hurt, I’m happy when their happy, I relate to them. I put my heart out there because I want to make a difference. I put my all into my relationships. Once people take hold of that, they can tend to take advantage of that. So, when people want to bless me, I fear that if I let them, I’m going to take advantage of that, and in return I’ll hurt them, just as I have been hurt. I don’t want that, I know how it feels.

It stings.

I’m not having a pity party, I don’t want that. This is reality. Something I have learned, something the Lord is revealing to me. He’s showing me how I have to grow and change because of this. I have to be stronger, not be afraid to be confrontational (I tend to say “oh it’s okay” even when it’s not), I have to be open, talk about my feelings/what’s bothering me, be bold.

It’s only because of my God that I have been able to realize this. Only because of Him that I can be made stronger. I believe He is preparing me for something bigger. Through this He is showing me my gifts; what I’m good at, my strengths and weaknesses. I believe He is getting ready to do something big with me. I look forward to that. We have to pay attention to Him. Listen to Him.

He speaks.

What is a relationship without talking and constructive criticism? I used to have a hard time with that, but I want to know the areas in my life that need fixing. If not, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and I could be making things worse for myself and others. I want to be excellent at the things I do. I want my relationships to be honoring and glorifying to my Father. And my relationship with Him to be so intimate. That’s what He longs for. He wants us to run to Him, turn our eyes to Him, and fix ourselves on what He has in store for us.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see how His plan continues to unfold in my life. It’s so exciting to me!

Because of that, I’m thankful for being able to accept my faults and long to turn them into good so I can flourish, be a better servant, and daughter to my Father.

Restless

Christina is …restless...

It’s been awhile since I have posted, I think I was waiting for the perfect post and resolution to my problems to well up inside me.

Sorry, you’re out of luck this time.

See, I always think I have to have this perfect masterpiece of a post for you guys to read. Ok, not saying my posts are masterpieces, but I think you understand.
This time I’m just going to get down to the ‘nitty gritty’.

This last week was, well, a restless week. I found myself battling myself all week. I couldn’t sit still, my mind was racing, and I felt like I had to get out – go somewhere. My emotions were running high, I could cry at the drop of a dime. I was being hard on myself. Stressing about decisions I needed to make. I was frustrated with people. I missed my chiropractor appointments because I couldn’t make myself go. I wasn’t motivated. Some days I didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t get much sleep. Stayed up till the wee hours of the morning thinking, writing, wondering…

I would try to change my thinking, cheer myself up, but I couldn’t, something was holding me back, some moments I felt like I couldn’t move… so I would just sit.

I found out during the middle of the week that I had some family coming in town and I realized it was a long weekend. It was what I needed, my chance to get away. I couldn’t wait to leave, I wanted to leave right then. I needed to be around family. I needed some encouragement.
So, I spent the weekend with family, I slept a lot (since I hadn’t all week) and tried to relax.

It was good.

I was distracted.

Then I got back…I made myself go back to the chiropractor today and right when I walked in one of the girls that works there… ran up and hugged me, asked if I was okay, and said she had missed me, that it had felt like forever.

Wow. I was taken back.

I told her I was fine, just a bad week and that it was great to see her too!

I proceeded to do my exercises…
Then time came to be adjusted and the Dr. walked in…

“It’s good to see you, Christina,”

“Good to see you too” I replied….

“When was the last time I saw you, it’s been awhile…”

Great, he’s going to lecture me on not being a committed patient… I could feel it coming… So I went on…

“I know, I’m sorry, I had a rough week and couldn’t make it”

At this point he continued to adjust my back, twist my neck till I thought it was going to come off…

snap… crackle… pop….

Adjustment done.

Dr. Joshua sat down next to me, looked me in the eyes, and said,

“Are you sure everything is okay? Is there anything I can do? Anything I can help with? Just let me know…”

I thanked him, assured him I was fine and everything would be okay. (while breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t lecture me)
Now, you may be thinking, oh that’s nice… but this is unusual… why? Because he is not a very personable person. He’s in and out. I had just been telling someone that a couple days prior. So, for him to sit down and make sure I knew he cared, meant a lot to me. I appreciate things like that.

I know you’re also probably thinking, why did you tell them you were fine when you really aren’t?

Very good question.

That’s something I struggle with sometimes, other times I’m good at expressing myself. But there are times that I feel like I’m just bothering people or complaining. So, instead of talking about it I try to deal with it on my own… or I let it fester inside me. This time I didn’t say anything because I really didn’t know what was going on with me. I just knew how I felt.
Another reason for blogging, it’s like therapy to me. It lets me get out my thoughts and express myself in a way that I normally wouldn’t.

You’ve got to give it to God, Christina… I tried telling myself that many times last week…

But I found myself coming up with excuses and thinking that since I didn’t know what was going on, He wouldn’t.
Our Savior is much bigger than that. He knows every hair on our heads; He knew us and formed us before we were born. He knows our every thought, He understands us.

(Now if I could only understand myself)

Help me, Jesus, I need you. Turn my eyes to you, only you can turn things into good. Give me understanding, guidance. Give me strength.

My Father, My Daddy

I wrote this after I was recovering from surgery in January, I wanted to take a moment to share... Enjoy...

He is a Father who never lets go, a Father who loves unconditionally, a Father who has a purpose and plan for my life. Although He is not like my daddy here on earth, He cares for me the same.

My daddy has always been there for me
From skinning my knee, to my first heartache
My first day of school, to graduating highschool
Losing friendships, to finding long, lasting ones
Going to college, to moving away from home

My daddy has always loved me the same
From the day I was born, to the day he gives me away
Though that does not mean it will break our Father/Daughter relationship
There's something special, a bond
An unknown thing between us, something that only we know
He knows my sorrow and my happiness
We're eternally linked together

My daddy has always had a plan for me
From thinking I knew, to him helping me through
This plan is still in progress
I'm still finding the pieces to the puzzle
It's definitely a jigsaw
Hard to figure out, but takes time to work at
In the end, it's a beautiful picture
A masterpiece

My Father in Heaven is waiting my homecoming
The day He calls me home is soon coming
On this day I will be able to see Him face to face
Run to Him and call Him my Dad
Feel His arms around me, curl up in His lap, and embrace Him
Just as I have done with my Daddy

He'll be forever mine
You are forever mine

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining



As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away



Chorus:



I'll praise You in this storm

And i will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm



I remember whenI stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You



I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

It was today, at lunch that I started thinking and pondering my life. Life has been really good lately, my prayer time/devotion time has been great, I’ve been feeling pretty good, and I’ve been so happy. It’s always times like now, that something in me doesn’t like. For what reason, I don’t know. Well, I say it’s me, but really it’s the enemy. He hates when we’re satisfied in our Lord.

As I sat in my car during lunch, listening to my praise and worship music, I became restless. I started flipping channels, put a CD in, took the CD out, changed channels, put a CD in, took the CD out… and so on…

I could hear the pitter patter of raindrops hitting my car, and my tears started flowing. I felt a black cloud hovering over my head, my heart started racing, my mind was wondering, and negative thoughts started to enter my mind. I started wondering why God chose me to live in chronic pain, I started feeling like people were expecting things from me that I couldn’t live up to, and I felt very vulnerable.

God, why is this happening now? Things have been going so smoothly, I’ve been so happy…

Every time I feel like I’m satisfied and actually thankful for the pain I’ve lived in, the enemy starts a fire up in me, He starts playing games with me.

Help me not to engage in these games, Father, let me be bigger than that. Give me strength.

As the rain pounded harder, the harder my tears fell, and the faster my heart raced…

I started changing channels again, and I stopped on our local Christian music station, which I usually have on. The song, Praise You in This Storm had just started, I was flustered and I tried not to listen, but I something in me didn’t let me change the station again.

‘Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm’

Hearing these words sung began to remind me that My Savior holds me close. He cares about me, He knows how I feel (even when I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I am). I was confused today, because I was so happy about the way things were going, and in an instant my emotions were running wild and I was fighting a, what seemed like, losing battle with the enemy.

I won’t let him win…

But…

Father, my heart is tearing…

I wanted to go with my emotions and be mad, but I knew that would only bring satisfaction to the enemy.


I won’t do it; I won’t let him be glorified in my actions.

As the song played on…

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

I knew I had to turn to the Lord to calm my fears, to wipe away my tears, and to turn my sadness into happiness. I struggled, but I knew I didn’t want to dwell in my own self… even though it’s easier to have a pity party, but that usually makes me feel worse in the end.

I won’t be selfish, Jesus…

I will take what you have given me and I will grow from the cards I have been dealt. I will try my best to be an example, that You, and only You, will be glorified in my life.

He began to mend my heart by filling my emptiness with Himself, with His love and tenderness.

Just as it was storming outside, it was storming on the inside of my heart…

But...I will praise you in this storm…






Sing to the Lord O my soul, let the Heavens shout for joy, Great is our God!

Let Me Introduce Myself...

Hi, I’m Christina, so nice to meet you! Thank you for finding your way to my blog. I believe and pray that the Lord has brought you here so that we may be able to encourage one another, pray for each other and grow from life’s many different experiences.

I have had my fair share of ups and downs in my life. I’ll go into more detail as my blogging grows and the Lord puts them on my heart to share. I believe that the Lord has a plan for my life and for your life.

Jeremiah 29:11 ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…’

We may not know why things happen the way they do, but in the end, there is a reason and a lesson to be learned. The Lord uses these instances to help us draw closer and closer to Him.
I moved into a new season of my life in May of 2007 when the Lord told me to pack my things and move to Nashville… not to become a country music star, but to start a new life focused on Him. I had been praying for new opportunities and asking the Lord to show me what to do with my life and when the doors opened, I obeyed what He told me. I was talking with a friend last night and at one point she said, “When you are praying for something and the Lord decides the time is right, He moves quickly.” This is so true, I had been praying that April and in May the doors opened and the timing was perfect. The Lord showed me what I had to do…

That was the best thing I could have done with my life at that point.

Since moving, I have found a church that I am so happy to be able to call my ‘home’ and friends who I am happy to call my ‘family’. I thank the Lord for each of these and feel so grateful for what He has unveiled in my life thus far.
Not my entire Nashville journey has been happy, but I am learning to seek out the positive in each experience, good or bad. Make them something to learn from so I can grow and put it to use in my life… and hopefully encourage others.

I grew up in a loving Christian home and attended a private school all through grade school. That was a blessing in itself, to have grown up with a solid foundation to learn and grow from. The Lord really knew what He was doing with my life. I know now that He used that to help prepare me for my future and the things to come and the experiences He knew that I would deal with. But I also know that He won’t give me anything I can not handle. Sometimes it feels like it, trust me, I know that. I’ve been there. I’ve wanted to throw my hands up in the air and give up many times (and I have), but He’s always been by my side, reminding me to rely on Him. That He will help me through. My faith and my trust have been tested on many levels.

Back in early high school I was diagnosed (or whatever you want to call it) with Degenerative Disc Disease, a ruptured disc, and some other things. I never really understood what it was, I just knew that my back was always sore and felt stiff. I didn’t think much of it then. My grandma and my dad also have this disease, so I have learned a lot and seen a lot of pain and suffering from them. I remember when my dad started getting worse and starting talking about surgery. A time that replays in my mind is seeing him use my grandma’s walker to get around the house. We had to move a mattress downstairs because he couldn’t climb the stairs anymore. I came home from class one day and saw him lying on the floor, he asked me to please go buy the bendable straws because he couldn’t lift his head without excruciating pain anymore. I hurried down to the store to get some straws. It was so hard seeing him in pain, but through the pain he was an example to me. He was on the floor for 20+ days and finally had surgery in Germany. He had 3 artificial discs placed in his back… Degenerative Disc is when your discs, which are between each of your vertebrae in your spine, start deteriorating and eventually disintegrate. Leaving you with bone on bone, which is obviously very painful. My dad had great success with his surgery which was a huge answer to prayer.

I’m not one that likes to focus on myself, so this is hard to talk about. Not just because it’s about me but because I always feel like I’m complaining… but here goes…

As time has gone on, my back has gotten progressively worse. I have tried to ignore the pain, brush it off, and go on with life. I’ve been to the chiropractor, I’ve had numerous epidural steroid injections, done physical therapy over the years and nothing helped ease the pain. I got to the point last December where I was tired of hurting and had to do something. I needed some kind of relief.
After much discussion and prayer, I decided to go ahead and have surgery. January ’08 I had a Bilateral Microdiscectomy. My doctor went in to “clean off” the ruptured disc. What’s a ruptured disc, you ask? Your discs are filled with a jelly-like substance and if/when your disc ruptures that substance protrudes out. In my case, it was protruding and hitting a nerve. So, they performed surgery to try and ease my pain and fix the ruptured disc. I got some relief, but a few months later I started getting worse, went back to the ago, and found out the disc had re-ruptured.

O why, God? Why can’t I be healed? Aren’t you the Great Physician? You don’t want me to suffer, do you? Don’t you care? Hear my cry, Lord!

I knew something was wrong because my symptoms were getting worse. My sciatic nerve was aggravated, my legs were hurting, I couldn’t stand for more then five minutes without sharp, shooting pains down my legs, and my left foot would go numb. So, we made a trip back to the doctor a couple months ago and he offered to do surgery again. Either the same surgery, a fusion, which he is really pushing, or ADR (artificial disc replacement – which is what my dad had done). I left the office masking my emotions and wanting to really think about these options.
I still have not made a decision; I am still praying and seeking the Lord for guidance. I don’t want to make a rash decision and do something I’m going to regret. So, for now I am waiting it out and coping with the pain as best I can.

Living with chronic pain is difficult, I won’t lie. I’m sure most of you had heard stories or know someone who has lived with this. I could sit and go on an on about the emotions and what I’m learning through the whole process, but that would take all of your time. That is the reason for this blog. So I can share my thoughts and emotions as time goes on and the Lord puts them on my heart to write about.

Until then, joining me in prayer and believing with me for healing would be much appreciated.

Psalms 103:2, 3

‘Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits: who forgives all your iniquities; who heals all your diseases.

Thank you for another day: I am blessed

I wanted to share a short story with you…

This morning while I was at work, one of our advisors was ending her client meeting. As I sat there processing paperwork, I overheard a short conversation that touched my heart. The advisor continued to end her meeting by telling her clients to, “Have a blessed day” I didn’t think anything of it, because she always says that, but it was the client’s response that made my day… He responded, “We’re already blessed, we were able to get up this morning.”

Man, that’s so good, I said to myself.

I pondered this conversation the rest of the day.

How many of us really take the time to realize how blessed we are?
How blessed we are to wake up in the morning, how blessed we are for our jobs, how blessed we are for our surroundings, our families…
To have a God who is always by our side, who will never leave us, nor forsake us?
How blessed we are to have a God who loves us so dearly, He was willing to die for us?

I can honestly say I don’t think of this nearly as much as I should. And not only think about it, but to take time to Thank God for allowing me to wake up and enjoy another day. Another chance to be an example, to make a difference.
Isn’t that why He put us on this earth? To do the Lord’s work, to tell the world about our Lord Jesus Christ?

We are only here on this earth for a short time. Our life is but a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow. At any time the Lord can call us home. Am I prepared for that? Are we? We should live our lives in such away that we won’t feel guilty about what we did or didn’t do in the end.

A life that honors and glorifies our Father in Heaven.

O Father, help me to be a light in the darkness…

He chose me and put me on this earth for a reason…Why me, Lord?

Because He has a special plan for my life. A plan that’s beginning to unravel in a powerful way. He’s building me up, and forming me into what He wants me to be.

Father, you are the potter, I am the clay…

Mold me so that I may be more and more like you. That I may love like you, teach like you, give grace and mercy like you do, lend a helping hand when it’s needed, that I may be a daughter that obeys you and longs to honor you with her words and actions, that I may grow in my walk and continue to do work that please you and brings honor and glory to your name.

It’s only because of you, my Sweet Savior,

that I have what I have, that I am able to do what I do. Nothing I have is mine; I was reminded of this last night while talking with a dear friend. It’s because of what you did on the cross that I have this life. You have blessed me with a life that I do not deserve, a life that is surrounded by loved ones who love me and support me, a life that you can choose to take away at any moment in time…

O Jesus, I do not deserve this…

But I am so thankful and grateful that He chose me and that He believes in me. I can only pray and hope that I bring Him glory. That I represent my Lord Jesus in a strong and mighty way, a way that will be eye opening to others. That I will be an example and show others the love and mercy He has shown me.

I can only try and give back what He has given me.



Well, at the least the story was short.... :-)


"Have a blessed day, my friends"

Over the Hill...?

Almost. Okay, so maybe I’ve got a ways to go.

This actually has nothing to do with my age, or your age.

I was reading through a list of Bible verses today and came across:

Mark 11:22-23.

‘Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, “Be taken up and cast in the sea,” and doubt not in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it shall be granted him.’

Wow.

This summer has been a season of testing. Testing my faith. Testing my trust. And testing my dependency on God.

Why God? I’ve asked many times… You know I put my trust in you, right?

He replied…

Yes my child, but you haven’t put all your trust in me,
You’re still doubting
Let it go, my sweet daughter
Trust me; I will take care of you
Have faith that is unwavering, faith that moves mountains…

Yes Father, I’m giving it all to you, have your way, Lord…

Why would I doubt God? Why do we doubt God? Haven’t we been told to Trust in the Lord and lean on Him? I know I was taught that as a child, just as I was taught how to tie my shoes. I was given the instructions and… practice made perfect... I did it! I tied my shoes!

So, why do I struggle with trusting and following my God? I’ve been given the guidelines, the instructions, I press into the Word, I pray, I lean on Him…. Isn’t that enough, God?

No. It’s not. Not when we make it a chore. Like a puppy that knows if he goes potty outside, he’ll get a treat. If we think that way then we don’t really mean what we’re doing. We’re only doing whatever it is to check off another task on our ‘To Do’ list.
That’s when things become bitter and we get frustrated with God.

Why? Because you’re not really pressing into Him.

You’re not building a solid relationship with Him… not depending on Him to take full control.

So many times I think I can do things on my own. No help, no advice. I remember once when I debated with God and finally told him I didn’t need his help. Boy, oh boy, that got me nowhere.

Humble yourself, my child... the Lord said to me.

Which brought me to my knees, and gave me a whole new outlook on the way things should be.

Why is it so hard to put all our dependency in our Sweet Savior?

Because the enemy finds his way into our situations, he loves when we’re down and out. He rejoices in our suffering and hates when we’re happy. He’ll try everything he can to distort our thinking and ruin our relationships. He is the father of lies. When he knows I am doubting, he takes that and runs with it, he tries his hardest to play with my mind. We shouldn’t let him win.

Seek the Lord in these times, only He can turn your thoughts into goodness. Let Him control your thinking. Cling to the Lord, rest in His presence and let His peace take over your mind.

So, where does Over the Hill fit into this? Good question…

Every time I think of the Over the Hill phrase, I picture a person climbing the side of a mountain. Inch by inch, over the rocks, sometimes boulders, but by pressing forward and moving through the rocky patches, they finally reach the top.

Now, with the whole age thing, people say once you reach the top, it’s all down hill from there.

Not true. Not in my illustration.

In this season of my life, through all the rocky patches, all the testing, I know I’m getting closer and closer to the top of my hill. Scratch that, it’s been a mountain. A steep, rocky, incline. Even though I felt more like I was repelling, God’s been on the other end of the rope, pulling me closer and closer to Him.
That’s only because I allowed Him to take full control, put my faith in Him, am believing this mountain will be moved, and I will overcome whatever situations come my way.

By this, my faith has been made stronger.

…Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart…

Psalms 37:3-5

*I know I dove into this, I will introduce myself in a later blog. This has been on my heart and mind and I wanted to share.*