Life

When life decides to take a turn, it usually takes a few more then that. I must say it's been very testing lately. I have so many emotions and thoughts wrapped up inside that I've had a hard time expressing. I tend to think that when they come out they have to be in a nice, neat manner, but I know they don't. The Lord hears the cries of my heart regardless of how they look or seem. I've received quite a few emails about how to weather the storm, what to do during trials, how to remain positive, etc... and what's been the most interesting is who they have come from. It's neat how the Lord works.



Yes. It's neat how He works in some cases. In others you wonder what's going on? Why is this happening? We all know the questions. And we all know the responses from people, "in time" or "there's a reason" but really? I know I've said those before but once things get really it's hard for me to believe it. Stronger Faith, I know. At times I say, "whatever, just let me be" let me question and wonder about the mysteries of life.



Everytime I find myself wanting to write and just be somewhat brutally honest about my thoughts, my positivity kicks in... I just want to say, "it's not ok" but I constantly find myself saying, "it's ok, things are ok" blah blah, christina, really?



When I first took the Strengths Finder test, I didn't really understand some of them and how they relate to me. Some of them I knew full and well it was me.

My strengths Developer and Empathy have really started taking a toll on me. Is this possible? It is when you don't know how to deal with the emotions that come along side them. Frustration. Dissapointment. I have such a desire to see people succeed and want to help them. I don't like to see people hurting. I relate to them. I hurt with them. It's so hard to describe the way I feel inside when the people I love around me are hurting so badly. My heart aches. My soul yearns for things to be okay. There's that word again. The feelings I feel when I know the path people have been on and what they're now facing are insurmountable. It's like the feeling of being claustrophobic. A fear of restriction. I understand that this is where the Lord has to come in. I don't know if it's just that I have so much empathy or what in the world it is, but it really starts taking it's toll. It really starts weighing me down. I think I try to take the burdens on myself because I don't like to see pain and suffering. But what does that do in the end? It leaves me with a lot of pain and suffering myself. Sob story, I know. But it's not that, it's that I'd rather hurt for someone than to see them hurting.

Sometimes I think there must be something I'm just not understanding about life. Or maybe I missed out on a chance to understand. Lately I've felt like I was just going to church, hearing a message, and leaving. I think my mind is so clouded right now that nothing is getting through. Or maybe I just don't want to hear a lot of what is said. I know I need to sit and talk with someone. If it wasn't for my job, I think I would stay in bed and not want to do much of anything some days. So I thank the Lord for my job. Such a blessing.
I went home last weekend for the 4th of July and it was a much needed getaway. Family always recharges my spirits. Thank you, Jesus.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but this is my head and heart vomiting words and trying to arrange them into sentences.

I'll end with an email I received today:

A Prayer When Life’s Hard

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11

Father, Son and Holy Spirit, what joy and peace it brings to my heart to call you the “God of all grace.” Father, you are the source and supply of all grace. Lord Jesus, you are the basis upon which I receive all grace. Holy Spirit, you are the one who applies all grace to my heart. Be praised, glorious and grace-full Triune God!

Father, knowing you’ve called me to eternal glory in Christ makes these sufferings and hardships way more bearable. Indeed, a Day is coming with all suffering, both all sources of suffering and all expressions of suffering, will be over. Until that Day, Jesus, help me when “a little while” of suffering feels like an indefinite appointment to suffering. Give me grace to accept life in a broken world, among broken people, as a broken me, with faith, hope and love.

Help me steward my suffering so that I will become a better friend, not a bitter person. Bring enough restoration to my heart that I might live as a means of your restoration for others; enough strength that I will not grow weary and give up; enough firmness and steadfastness, that I will stay present in whatever story you are writing. Oh God of all grace, be the Lord of all power in my life and through my life, all for your glory… in Jesus’ name.

Amen.